An exploration of Beliefs

"I'm never going to change"

so the next thought I had was:

Maybe that's a good thing!

The first thought, causes contraction, and is based on some former judgment
that if I change (to what?, needs to be explored...very vague) then I'll be happier.

So is it only the thought in this moment that is making me unhappy right now?

And this is not to attack the thought, or to get rid of it, it has a very innocent function, it wants me to be happy.

Do thoughts belongs to us?

are thoughts personal?

where do they come from?


I don't know where they come from, they don't seem to belong to me, they just sort of appear from nowhere, and disappear to nowhere.


I'm still noticing some sort of conviction that accompanies the earlier thought, which then hints to me, that's it's more like a belief. 

A belief seems to have more of a sticky nature to it, there are millions of thoughts that pass through our minds, some we don't even notice and have a fleeting nature, but a belief is a thought that has been around and almost anchors and filters the way we see the world, it becomes a reference point for us.

One definition of belief from Webster's dictionary :

"an accepting of something or someone as true or reliable without asking for proof"


Since we believe many things and most of these are hidden from our conscious mind, what are these based on? Can we trust our own thoughts/belief systems?

Well clearly it shows us, that we really can't take them all that seriously, we might even go to the extreme of believing nothing.  And seeing which of these are useful for us.

Once we take a look at a belief over and over again, and we examine it, if it's true of us right now?

if it was ever true?

and what's the feel of it?

how does it feel to believe it?

would our lives be different without it?

we can inquire into beliefs, without needing to get rid of them, the more clearly we see that they are just based on assumptions, and initially were survival mechanisms that got us to where we are today, we can thank them for doing such a great job, but we no longer have to wage a war against them.

To You...

I want to touch you in places
That don't exist yet.

Are a possibility in you,
for you.

I want to be seen until I don't
exist in the normal way
we generally do,

When you see to the core of me,
and all that's left from 'me' and 'you'
is space, dynamic engaged love.

It can and does get messy,
The stuff of love,
of deep love, reveals
the stuff that obscures it.

But I don't care, because
I KNOW the heart
can stand it, it has
a power of looking
and seeing, and healing, and
loving, like no other.


You Are that powerful
stream, that is also
called love,
You move in mysterious ways,
In which I know nothing of.

I Love you though
in the same way,
from the same place,
with the same intensity,
Aware of you, attend to you

You are no different than my heart.

To you I dedicate this vibrant never ending stream of life.

Trust in life..

when softness touches you
it never goes away,
it leaves an echo
through your being, The universe.

Reverberating forever in time/space
always available to call upon

I will always remember
the precious little girl,
at the laundromat
Running full speed
jumping into my lap,
(like it was the most natural thing in the world. It was)

Resting there,
not a single movement,
breathing,
softness,
door open,
reflex to look back
no story,
just noticing
looking,
being, so entirely

I will never forget
the trust, the softness,

Exploring Intimacy some more

[So just to clarify after rereading I feel that this may sound about a person, it is only in what they inspire in me but it's actually about Intimacy as a quality that develops with my practice an aspect of my soul and an exploration of what it is and how I see the world through those eyes, with a certain gentleness, awe & wonder]



I think of intimacy and I think of this friend I have who embodies it's essence so well.


I feel she breaths, and soaks in with every cell, lives for, speaks for, acts out of Intimacy. But without really effort-ing or at least you wouldn't think so.


If Intimacy had a spokes person this would be her.


But what is it? what is it I can sense so deeply in her[my friend]


what is it?


Which I feel leaps out of her body into mine ever so delicately, affectionately, caringly,


or does it turn the light inside in all the hiding places, the hardened, edgy, rough spots, that makes them melt, into acceptance and appreciation, how does she do it?


she doesn't even know. she does.


And what is it that fascinates me about her[Intimacy] ? 


why is it I have become obsessed? 


That I want to be her friend, in her company, to know her[intimacy & friend] completely.


And I know the question is not why, and I know I could never know her[Intimacy] with my why, 


and I know that I *feel* what she does,


and I "touch" this fragrant quality looking from my eyes,


 
A lens to see the world through that transports me to the mystery 


Because in fact she is the mystery, a wave and the ocean, she directs me, and says 




"look here, even when you don't want"




she says



"Look again, with fresh eyes, with my eyes, like you want to understand everything about everything, no matter what it is, you want to drink it all in. because really since it's all you you want to know every single part of you, ugly or beautiful doesn't apply it's not a language we understand from the intimate I/eye"

More on Intimacy

“Most people have come to prefer certain of life’s experiences and deny and reject others, unaware of the value of the hidden things that may come wrapped in plain and even ugly paper. In avoiding all pain and seeking comfort at all costs, we may be left without intimacy or compassion; in rejecting change and risk we often cheat ourselves of the quest; in denying our suffering we may never know our strength or our greatness.” Rachel Naomi Remen






there is this never ending urge to go deeper, to reveal more, to be close to the world, to my self
to everyone. 


more on intimacy..
What is it? what is intimacy, I can't quite put my finger on it.
We usually think about it in the context of lovers, relationships, family.  Which is a certain kind of closeness, this nakedness, showing how we really are, our most vulnerable self. 

And how about when we are here ---

in this moment, or opening up to it, to whatever is here,

there is a certain kind of intimacy.  Of relationship with everything, some kind of tenderness, softness, a relating,
no matter what is here, there is this space that opens up in me
that cherishes, that values, that sees with regard, whatever is here;

someone being aggressive with their child, the fridge humming in the background, the jitteriness in my stomach,

all of it just feels so fresh, so alive, right here,  right now.


What does it take to be open, aware intimate in this moment?

does it take some practice of some sort? does it take bringing our awareness to what's here?


I was just thinking, when we first enter a relationship, showing our best side first, and slowly feeling more and more comfortable to let our guard down, and still there is shyness at first, discomfort, yet if we feel safe
then it's ok, and we can feel comfortable to be ourselves. Much like on this path of Awakening maybe?

touching in reality, in our direct experience and perhaps going back to our minds, back into where we feel safe and protected and guarded.  And then again, just like when I test the water, is it too cold? is it too hot?

we need to know it's safe, we need to know it's ok maybe?

we can check as many times as we want, maybe at a certain point we realize that turning back into the mind, is not necessary and not really protecting us,  it's open to our exploration, as much as we want to check--

what feels better?
hiding, manipulating, scheming, planning, and worrying or open, curious, direct experiencing, compassion, the intimacy of this moment, this aliveness?

A friend of the night

A walk through the neighborhood at night.
Calming, and full of content.
Connecting to our heart, the heart where all meets and all matters equally.

Flowers in pink, purple, yellow, reds glisten in the night's eye.

Fresh, and vibrant, fragrant and giving of their beauty freely to anyone or anything.

Cement, broken spots, ground so strong, and supportive of my feet and fury feet, small and big cars. -Beauty

Houses, with luscious full gardens, and their owners' taking pride in how they look- how thoughtful.

Leaves swaying, wind blowing, endless depth to the deep blue/black sky

What is this?

How can I ever lose connection to the mystery?

to this amazing, vastly, interesting, full of life, and never ending wonder - - -

of all things we don't know,  everything we see everything we are.

thank you for our open mind, the mind that is never ending,

that is the spacious heart of us all.

Miraculous and Mundane.

Tree Lovers

Went for a walk today, and I noticed these two trees. 


One's trunk was on a slant, like it was trying to reach and touch the other


and the other's branch was on a slant and their leaves were touching.


I looked around the street, they were the only ones ? ? ?




It also created this beautiful canopy for the street.




Are these form/shapes living organisms we call trees, also live out of connectedness 


with each other?


It was so obvious to me, that they were slanted that way to connect, that 
I couldn't imagine it being anything else, even if there was a scientific reason for it..